Today marks 2 months since I decided to pack up my bag, leave everything I had in my small hometown and move to another country to start a new phase of my life. While it is one of the most adventurous life decisions that I have ever made, it comes with a long list of stressors. Just to name a few …

Languages barriers

Trust me, no matter how proficient you are at the languages of your choices, fitting in a new environment is a great challenge. Even though I have trained my brain to function efficiently in a second language, but apparently it wasn’t enough. I have never thought that English could be a challenge before I came here, but then I could not understand more than 80% of what they said. I must get used to all sort of varied accents, including Indian, Irish, European, Chinese, Singlish, etc. Speaking the local language is frustrating too: making mistakes, having an accent, and not being able to completely express even a simple idea brings me frustration, along with the feeling of loss and inadequacy. 

To make it more complicated, acclimatizing to a new culture and experiencing an unfamiliar lifestyle for the first time was also a struggle. Differences in social knowledge unsurprisingly create cultural barriers. I sometimes found it hard to blend in those conversation in which I have little in common. Temporality of my working nature even makes it harder for me to build sustainable relationships with my fellow colleagues. Somehow, from culture shock came a sense of anxiety and alienation.

Homesick and loneliness 

The feeling of disorientation and unsupported is undoubtedly hard to cope with. As I’m struggled bonding with new people, I’m losing intimate connections back from home. In fact, this is not the first time I leaved my hometown for another city, but I could no longer afford any impromptu trip back home to be with family as I was before. This time, geographical separation was as a real deal. As I was far away from my usual supportive network, I’m even more susceptible to feeling lonely than I was at home. Although I tried to call my mom every day, the feeling is simply not just as it was.

Expat blues

Life of an expat is not easy, for me at least. Identify losses and changes has created an immense internal turmoil. It feels like my self-confidence, motivation, optimism and energy had deserted me, especially in the first month.

Like a baby, I must observe and learn everything from scratch. I’m battling with the feeling of inadequacy like I’m just not cut out for this life. The new lifestyle lacked the self-confidence I once had. I second-guessed myself, felt as though I was not equipped to do my job, and not once that I felt as an outsider, up to the extent that I would think it was merely a fluke for me to have made it this far doing the job I was doing. 

The sustained despondency and dejection drained me, physically and emotionally from the vibrant country I had chosen as home. I reminisced the comfortable life I had back in Vietnam, with a decent and high-paying job, a loving family and a close circle of best friends. Was this a right choice? I cried my eyes out and questioned that sumptuous decision every single night. A part of me hated to admit failure in my decision to come here. But another part of me cannot help but acknowledging this ugly truth. 

Many of my friends may think of me as a strong and assertive kind of girl, but deep down, only I know there’re still insecurities and self-doubts hiding in a dark side of me that is often unnoticed. I’m overwhelmed and stressed out. 

But still, I am not giving up. This is a problem that give meaning to my life, and I choose to shed my blood and tears for it. I decided to go with flow and give myself time to adapt to new environment. 

As I move forward, the blue is gradually fading, and a beam of hope and positivity is sparked at the end of the tunnel. The new life opens many opportunities and unleashes my potentials that I’ve never known I had. I regain my inner strength and self-confidence, improved my resilience and perseverance to face more challenges to come. 

Looking back at my struggles, I now see it as a growing and learning process. I embrace my feelings for what it is and accept my vulnerability to loneliness. They are an undeniable part of me. Being honest with myself is how I was unchained from self-deprecating burdens and personal expectation.Give myself time to heal and find ways to undo the damage caused by loneliness. Be kind to myself, let my emotions guide me to a happier place, let go of grudges, and inculcate gratitude.

I came here on a freezing day of July and lived through the dark and cold winter months. While I am writing this, the spring breeze is gently brushing through the branchlet of the golden wattle outside my window. If winter has the courage to turn spring, who says I can’t bloom just the same?